


The Meaning Of This

by TaeKookie_ah



Category: Kuroshitsuji/Black Butler
Genre: Ciel in Denile, M/M, Other, Puberty, Sebastian being nosy, Smut, Yaoi, nose bleeds, stalkers hiding in closets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2016-05-10
Packaged: 2018-06-06 11:07:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6751519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaeKookie_ah/pseuds/TaeKookie_ah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ciel is in puberty, and acts grumpier than normal, and gets distracted easier. Ciel does not want to talk about it. Poor Ciel longs for Sebastian in secret, ever since his dream. And Sebastian is oblivious to the situation and confronts Ciel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Why Do I Think This Of Him?

**Author's Note:**

> This is a request from the amazing : Walkingencyclopediaofcrazy. (?) I think thats what it is...*Whispers* God, I'm a horrible person...

Ciel's P.O.V.

I woke with a start, still huffing for breath. I've had that dream again. The one where I think I am awake, but I am not. The one where I 'awake' to Sebastian's hot cavern sending pleasure coursing through my entire body. The one that I oddly enjoyed so thuroughly that just as I would cry out from pleasure in my dream, I would consiquintly wake up to find my body covered in a thin layer of sweat. My hair tousled more so than usually,and a huge..HUGE problem. I now have a sticky mess inbetween my legs and I need to change my nightshirt and sheets. But Sebastian is schedueled to be here in ten minutes to wake me up! I could not bear the shame of having Sebastian clean up after my wet dream. Which was about him...  
As I hopped out of bed, I scowled, wondering why, of EVERYONE, my wet dreams had to be about Sebastian. Every single one of them. I sighed deeply as I scrambled to strip myself and the bed. I hecticly shoved everything in a chute near the door, where Mei-ren will wash them without a glance at it.  
I grimaced as I waddled, unnerved by the wetness still between my legs. I wiped myself clean,applied a clean nightshirt and scrambled into a sheetless bed. I started to relax, enjoying silence.  
Within 5 seconds of that, I heard a soft knock on the door. My whole body tensed up again. Oh god...another day of seeing Sebastian and not getting to touch him.Well, I could.....but no,that would disgrace the Phantomhive name! I scolded myself. Why is it always Sebastian that I have these obsurd thoughts about? Why not Lizzy? I asked myself as I muttered a muffled "Come In..."  
After a non-audibe squeek of the door and a few very graceful steps, Sebastian paused.  
"My lord...how was your sleep?" Sebastian said, catching me off gaurd. His question caused me to turn to him, and I saw his face contorted with genuine worry.  
My heart beat sped up and my face was drained of color.  
DOES SEBASTIAN KNOW...?


	2. Does He Know ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own Black Butler. Yana Toboso does.
> 
> R & R & Enjoy!

My thoughts were incoherent as they were,whipping through my brain, not even registering. But when Sebastian stepped foreward it took all of my remaining brain cells not to curl into a ball and scream at Sebastian to go away. My eyes grew even wider as Sebastian placed a hand free of his glove onto my heated face. My blush grew and I swatted his hand away with a , " *tsk I am quite alright, Sebastian. I do not need you to -" I cut myself off. I almost said that I didn't need him to touch me. That was not what I had had intended to say. My eyebrows furrowed together as I buried myself in my thoughts, staring at the floor. The thing was I did need him to touch me. I needed that feeling of warmth, safety and love. The feeling that I had been deprived of so many years ago. I scowled at the floor. "Bocchan, are you shure you are feeling well?" Sebastian asked, "Your body is emmiting much more heat than normal..." Damn Sebastian! Damn him! Why could I not just cool down? Why is it still getting hotter...I raised my eyes to look at him. A small frown gracing my features. "Sebastian, drop it. Just dress me and prepare for today." I said in a bored tone. "Yes, my lord." Sebastian said wearily. As he dressed me I averted my eyes. Throughout the whole time, our eyes never met. As Sebastian buttoned up my last button on my daily attire, his hand rested on my shoulder for too long, making me jitterish. I said nothing for I thought he would become even more so suspicious than he already was. I gulped through the lump in my throat and focused on my breathing, which had become slighty unsteady. I was so focused I didn't even notice Sebastian staring into my eyes. I didn't even notice that his face was right up in my own. That was untill I did notice. My breath hitched and my eyes widened to an extreme extent. I was so surpirised, not only did I jump away, but I also squeeked like a small scared child when he sees a mouse.Ciel was flustered.Sebastian wondered why.


	3. Chapter 3

I squeeked and banged my head rather forcefully onto the side of the tea cart Sebastian had wheeled in earlier.   
"Seb..!" I managed to calm down."Sebastian, that was a bit too close! Quit your nonesense and help me up!" I barked.  
"Yes, my lord." Sebastian said. He leaned down and picked me up bridal style. I stared at him bewildered. Then he shifted me so that our crotches were touching and he held me like a proud boyfriend.  
"Uhhhhhh..." My mind shut down.  
"Milord, is your head all right? That was quite a nasty hit." He asked. His face was too close. He smelled good, of spices and cinnamon. I didn't even think before I rested my head on his chest. He was so warm. So...comfortable. I took a deep breatg, inhaling his scent. As I did so my arms found their way around Sebastian's neck. I savored the moment. But...  
"Milord? Young Master, it seems you miss the way I used to hold you as a 13 year old boy. I am afraid this is quite informal, though at any rate." His voice woke me out of my strance and I gave a quiet yell and jumped/fell out of his arms.  
"GAH!" I quickly jumped up and brushed myself off, ignoring the crimison blush gracing my features.  
I swiftly walked out of the room, beckonning with my hand for Sebastian to follow.   
Before we even could get to the dining table a loud crash resonated. We stop still, Sebastian behind me.  
The chandelier above me shook violently as a huge explotion rang through the mansion, I didn't flinch like I usually do though. Instead, and for unknown reasons I growl and tighten my fists at my side.  
Cries from my sevants follow and I barely even get to look outside before chaos leeks onto the lawn and Finny is running around like a chicken with its head cut off.   
My breaths become erotic and I stomp down the stair ready tto smack the screams out of their mouths. Sebastian is giving me an odd look but I dont care. I dont know why I am so infuriated, but I am about ready to explode.


	4. Chapter 4

I could not controll the snarl that came from my mouth as the servants met me at the bottom of the stairs. Everything was crisp and clear. I could breath so well...it was odd. I snapped at them, yelling randomly about how they should be more careful if they want to keep their job. It felt good to get it out. But nonetheless,Sebastian was giving me a...look. A sudden thought caused me to avert my attention away from the sobbing maid,cook and gardener. A gave Sebastian the chance to speak. When he continued to look at me in such a way I shut down. All of the anger left my system. Was he mocking me? Does he think I am a source of entertainment?Does he dislike my choices? My brain wracked for the answer. But I could find none. My eyes turned down,like a shameful child,on their own accords. I let my hair fall in my eyes. I couldn't controll my actions. I couldn't BREATH. My breath caught in my throat and I coughed without thinking of the consiquinces. My insides turned immediatly. I choked on the cough. It wracked my body as I stared at the floor in shame. I could see Sebastian coming towards me through my grey-blue bangs. I stumbled backwards, toward the wide-eyed servants and away from Sebastian. I thrust my hands out as I fell to the marble floor. Coughs took over my wind pipe, causing me to flinch at the pain. Obsurd thoughts took over my mind and I couldn't help but look up at Sebastian. He looked down at me in concern. He knelt by my side, the smirk usually on his lips disappeared long ago. I paused in everything I was doing. Including breathing, so that I wouldn't cough in his face. But soon my lungs burned and I layed down on the floor. I opened my mouth and gasped for air ignoring the ruthless raging coughs erupting from myself, tearing up my throat. Was Sebastian worried about me? Did he really care? What have I done to deserve this? I do not deserve this.Why does he seem to want me safe? Is it only because of our contract? Why do I need you, Sebastian?


	5. Chapter 5

As I thought about everything Sebastian has done for me...a sudden wetness filled my eyes. I stared up at Sebastian. At the thought of all of the misery and pain I ordered him through, my breaths became even more eratic. As my mind explored the thought of how I MADE him suffer through everything I have done because I was so selfish. A dumb human. He must think of me as this. He must hate me. The only reason he would pretend to care could only be because of our contract. He would never love me the way I love him.....I love him? Yes. And he hates me. As my thoughts spiraled out of controll, my lip quivered and a pain erupted in my temples. The flames of it reached my heart, scarring it. I could not come to look away from my butlers eyes as my own became sullen and filled to the brim with salty tears. My body aches and I feel so weak. So weak at the thought of how my own butler will never love me.  
Mei-ren's eyes were huge and her glasses fell off. Finny started bawling seeing me like this. Even Bardoroy was so flustered he dropped his cigarette from his mouth. I stared into Sebastian's eyes with self hatred and pain. He will never love me. He is a butler, you are his master. You already have a fiance. The thought of me having to marry Lizzy instead of embracing my preferances and marrying Sebastian stung me badly. I could take no more. For the first time in 6 years, I, Ciel Phantomhive started to cry. There were rivers coming from my eyes. I reached for Sebastian, as if from habit, but flinched and whacked my own hand away with my other. But Sebastian already got my message. He leaned over me and enveloped me in a tear jerking embrace.  
"*Ang..*Gaaahh* Saaa* Seb..Sebas..tian.." I cried into his chest. I could not controll the sobs that now wracked my petite male figure. My whole body pressed into Sebastian,needing more. I needed his touch.Only his. I wanted him to know that I felt this way. No-I NEEDED him to know that I felt this way. But I did not know how.


	6. Chapter 6

"Young Master, you are not well. I shall take you to your room." Sebastian said calmly.   
He doesn't think I am well...? I am well! It is merely hormones...right?  
"NO! " I gasp out. Then I realize I just diisagreed to a possible time to calm down.  
"My lord?" Sebastian faltered.  
"I...I AM SORRY...." I turned and faced my loyal servants who were now all staring at me like I was crazy.  
"I am SO sorry...Mei-ren, Finni, Bard...P.p.p.p.p.p.p.lease forg.g.g.ive me." I stuttered badly.  
"No worries, young master! We love you! We do!" They said in unison, making me gag on more sobs. I gripped onto Sebastian, who took the hint and gently placed me in his arms. He swiftly walked away, me in tow. I flat out almost fell asleep in his father-like embrace. But we reached my bedroom, I was forced onto the bed.  
"Now, tell me bocchan, What is going on?" He asked.  
"I miss you...!!!" I cried. Sebastian stared at me.   
"Young Master,What do you mean?" He asked, genuinly surprised.  
"I...I...I just want you, Sebastian...please! You do not understand! I do not know why, but I need...I need..." I paused and looked away.  
"Ahhh... Milord having trouble sleeping? Mood swings? Clinginess?-"  
I cut him off ,"-clinginess!!!! What is that supposed to suggest!"  
"My lord, you are faced with puberty, are you not?" He continued.  
"I...I...Yes." I failed. As I sat on the edge of my bed, I sighed and pulled at my hair. I angrilly tug off my eyepatch and placed it on my nightstand.  
I sighed and layed down.  
"My lord, I shall leave you to rest." Sebastian turned to leave.  
"Wait!.....Do you have any other duties for the day?" I asked weakly.  
"No, My lord." Sebastian paused,"Is there something you need, bocchan?"  
"I...will you...lay next to me?" I asked. My heartbeat was louder than my own thoughts, which were screaming 'THATS NOT THE RIGHT WAY TO ASK!',and' HOW DO YOU ASK?!'   
Sebastian chuckled. He walked over to me and gracefully removed his shoes and his tail-coat. His gloves followed.


	7. Chapter 7

I couldn't controll the wild blush that crept up my cheeks as Sebastian removed his shoes and chuckled.  
"Well, young master...I have to say, I was not expecting this." Sebastian gave me a tilt of his head.  
"I....uh.." My hands gripped the comforter so hard that I could feel the crisp sheets underneath as they crumpled beneath my fingers.  
How they were replaced so fast, I cannot say. I opened my mouth to ask how, but stopped short, realizing that it would reveal my secret. I clasped my mouth shut and it fell into a grim line.  
Before I had any further thought, a low, very silent creek and a now present butler to my right caused me to flinch from habit. And it was obvious.  
"Bocchan..." Sebastian spoke in a soothing tone.  
"You know you can tell me anything. I am a faithful butler...am I not?" He asked, giving me a guilt trip. That pain welled in my chest again and I HATED it. Why can I not just be strong?  
"Seba-Sebastian..." More silent tears flew from my eyes as I whipped myself around and hugged Sebastian. I just want comfort...I just want that feeling that I do not deserve. A hand slid behind my back, pulling me closer. Another gently went through my hair, calming me almost instantly. I pushed my head up against his hand, enjoying the feeling. I heard an intake of breath and I looked up at Sebastian. His eyes were tearing up. I froze in his grip. The self hatred in myself multiplied within seconds. I looked down at my uncovered arms. Then I felt Sebastian's grip falter. He must hate me so much hes crying. I lost controll. I twisted and was forced to look right into Sebastians face as I reached down,with eyes screwed tightly shut, and scratched my arm with all my might. I was so angry at myself. I scratched my arm so hard that it not only drew blood, but the blood that I had drawn was now all over my arm, dripping onto the floor where I held it out. It barely registered that I had just committed self-harm.   
I turned to Sebastian with wide, tear filled eyes.


	8. Sebastian's Point Of View

As I grew aquainted with this unfarmiliar side of Ciel, I reached out to sooth him. Just for a reaction. Only for a slight play, a play that I cared about the young earl.  
His body abruptly turned and enveloped in a hug unbefitting of Ciel.This suprising event sent me to calm my nerves and realize how much the young master meant to me. I tried in vain to let him know through gentle touches. I pulled him closer, hoping for a lull of sleep. But this attempt only made him sob harder. And it hurt me. I am unshure how, however the contract seal may have contributed to this feeling of pain. I placed my hand on the young earl's head, running my fingers through his hair, misleading my actions. I was trying to understand what he felt, and how it couuld be so strong that even I could feel it and be made to endure it. How a human alone can endure it without breaking, I fondled the idea in my brain for several seconds before an overwhelming amount of thoughts, images and feelings flooded my senses. I looked down at my hand and involentarily gasped. These feelings were indeed coming from my Master, flowing to my contract seal. These feelings of pain. Thoughts, images going through his mind to mine with intense speed. FAILURE.Incompetent.FiLtHy.YOUNG.Disable.Reliant.ONLY.Dishonest.NeEdY.RUDE.Selfish.Disgusting.UNRELIABLE.Ungreatful.Sebastian...  
Thoughts flew through my mind as Ciel's created them.-You dishonor the Phantomhive name.You should not care about them.Why dont you care about them.Do I love Sebastian.Why Sebastian.Why don't you tell him.Why don't you act like you appreciate the things he does for you.Why are you chasing hate.Why are you afraid of the light.Why is Sebastian crying.Is it my fault.Yes, my fault.I made the one I love cry because I am such a sorry excuse of a earl.I cant-I miss Sebastian.So much.Why do I feel like this.I do not deserve him.He deserves better than the filth that I am.I should have let my captors kill me.I want to make Sebastian proud.I CANT

**Author's Note:**

> Please Comment and leave Kudos!


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